Thursday, February 26, 2009

Speaking of 1986...

I can't let a conversation about the Salad Days go by without mentioning one of my personal B-movies of the era, a little gem I like to call "No Retreat, No Surrender."

Filled with a cast of several--including Jean Claude Van Damme in what I think is his very first movie--the story follows our hero Jason, as he and his family move from L.A. to the mean streets of Seattle. It is there that Jason meets R.J., (a poor man's Alfonso Riberio), and we learn of Jason's adoration of Bruce Lee. In this clip, check out R.J.'s mad rapping/dancing skills. Fargo will want to pay special attention to the Chris Tuft-esque bully shown briefly in the background.



Jason runs afoul of the bully and his minions, so he gets help from none other than the ghost of Bruce Lee! The movie ends in a thrilling climax as Jason fights Van Damme in a high school gymnasium.

The movie also has some of the most homoerotic training montages ever committed to film, but we won't talk about that.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Only B Movie I Ever Need to See

1986 was definately one of the Golden Years; the Salad Days as some say. Sammy Hagar debuted with Van Halen, Tommy Lee married Heather Locklear, Skid Row is formed, Reagan is still president, Duran Duran becomes a 3-some, Top Gun is in theaters, as is Crocodile Dundee and Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

And if you're talking about B movies my mind has to wonder back to a flick I'm not sure was considered a "B" at the time (who were they kidding?). However, it still stands as one of my favorite movies of ALL TIME:

Rad - Starring Bill Allen and Lori Loughlin.

It's the story of Cru Jones, a young man who can overcome all obstacles that prevent him from participating in the BMX race "Helltrack." As he works towards his dream, Cru falls in love with Christian, an amateur racer. With the help of Christian and her friends, can Cru's "Rad Racing Team" defeat the top BMX factory rider, Bart Taylor?



I don't remember BMX bikes being allowed at my stake dances... Nevertheless, this movie, this song, and many stake dance memories will always be with me!

Btw: '86 was all shits n giggles. It was also the year Metallica crashed their bus and lost Cliff Burton, The Smith's play their final gig as a 5-piece, and Wham! broke up. Ed was inconsulable...

The Spoiled Generation?

My buddy Jesse -you all know him- sent me this video and it is the most amazing thing I have seen so far this year:



He certainly says a lot that needs to be heard. The only thing he didn't mention that needs to be heard is that Susan Serandon is the devil, Sean Penn is a high school drop-out and a complete moron, and our President is not the Savior.

The Refined World of On-Demand Cinema

Maybe its my MST obsession that instilled it in me, but I love really bad movies. When The Muse and I first got married, basic cable in the OC provided us with hours of amazing poor-quality cinema with B-Mania, a channel made purely of bad movie programming. When we moved and it was no longer an option, we graduated to the Bargain DVD section at Best Buy. Before long, that became tainted with actually cromulent titles, so for a while we went through a sort of disaster drought.

Lately, however, Second Banana Heaven (and the arch-angel TV's Frank,) has smiled on us with the blessing of Comcast On-Demand. Not sure if they have this in Utah or NC, but you can basically go into their FREE movie section and watch anything they might have at the moment any time you want (the live music section has had some real gems lately, like whole U2 concerts from the Joshua Tree tour and Tears for Fears in 1984 on Rockpalast.)

The Impact Channel (which -I am guessing- is manly programming for manly men who are too manly for Spike,) has been putting some real gems on there lately that have had the Muse and I in stitches.

The thing I love is that most of these films have the same story; which normally revolves around living your dreams, sticking with your friends, and saving some struggling business. This, as you might imagine, is done through multiple "If We Work Together We Can Bring Goliath Down!" montages, and kinky jokes that were probably written by a group of 7th Graders.

Here are just a few that have been moving us to tears of joy lately:

Gas Pump Girls: The compelling story of a ditzy high school graduate and her bouncy friends who band together to save her scary uncle's struggling gas station from going under against the evil forces of a major oil company's newly-opened Pump n'Munch next door. High points include a motor cycle gang that at first wants to cause trouble but then joins forces with the girls to be their towing crew, a musical number by our heroine, and an aging celebrity cameo by the two dudes from "Car 54". This one is more like "Angels Revenge" than anything else you will ever see.



Malibu Bikini Shop: The compelling story of a college graduate and his slacker brother who band together to save the sea-side swim suit store left to them by their late aunt from being bought out by the evil forces of a holistic church. High points include an awesomely-80's "Flashdance"-type number performed by my wife's cousin (really, I'm being totally serious,) and an aging celebrity cameo by the guy who always said "YEEEEESSSSS!?" on "I Love Lucy".

Hot Dog - The Movie: The compelling story of a home-spun farm kid who splits town to help a freestyle skiing gang -lead by a post "American Werewolf" David Naughton- save the circuit from the evil forces of a German Olympian and his cronies. High points include a hairy truckers cheering on a wet T-shirt contest accompanied by 38 Special, a ski ballet competition that will make you cringe, and an almost-celebrity cameo by Gene Simmons' concubine. This is the kind of movie that Dean-O used to watch in Chris Day's basement, but not in a good way (at several points in the film, the wife and I both went "Eeeewwww!" in disgust.)

Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo: Turbo and Ozone are BACK in the compelling story of a gang of street dancers -who seem to incite spontaneous BREAKIN' everywhere they go- who band together to save the community center they hang at from the wrecking ball of an evil real estate tycoon. High points include a dance-off against the rival gang (which is lead by El Debarge and Rea Pearlman,) a musical number by a pre-pimp Ice-T, and "Special Needs" poppin' and lockin' by a kid in crutches. I'll have the "Boogaloo Shrimp" with a side of "Shabba-Do" please!

By the way, we watched "Weird Science" a couple of days ago as well. Now, I watched that movie at least once a day back in 8th Grade, but a recent viewing was not unlike seeing "V" again after a 15-year absence: puzzling. Were these movies this crappy when we first saw them and our adolescent minds just THOUGHT they were cool at the time, or have we become more refined with time? The world may never know.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Well, so much for my resolve to lose weight

In-N-Out is putting a franchise in Draper.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Hey! Nice Chicken!



So I'm at the local neighborhood KFC one day last week for lunch. I've given my order and the nice young man behind the counter, as is customary, has asked for my name so they can call me when my lunch is ready. I haven't done this in a long time but for some reason, a name pops into my mind that is not my name. Nor is it the name of a family member. But out it comes...

"Chuck."



The boy looked at me for a second. Almost like he didn't believe me.



"Chuck?"



"Yeah, Chuck."



Then he says, and i don't think he meant to, but he says...



"Alright, that'll be right up, Chuck."





You can't plan this kind of comedy. Well, you can, but then you'd be working for a first class comedy organization, like Saturday Night Live, or MSNBC.






K, bye.






Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Buy my sister's new book.

Being released nationwide June 16th.

Seriously, buy it.