Maybe its my MST obsession that instilled it in me, but I love really bad movies. When The Muse and I first got married, basic cable in the OC provided us with hours of amazing poor-quality cinema with B-Mania, a channel made purely of bad movie programming. When we moved and it was no longer an option, we graduated to the Bargain DVD section at Best Buy. Before long, that became tainted with actually cromulent titles, so for a while we went through a sort of disaster drought.
Lately, however, Second Banana Heaven (and the arch-angel TV's Frank,) has smiled on us with the blessing of Comcast On-Demand. Not sure if they have this in Utah or NC, but you can basically go into their FREE movie section and watch anything they might have at the moment any time you want (the live music section has had some real gems lately, like whole U2 concerts from the Joshua Tree tour and Tears for Fears in 1984 on Rockpalast.)
The Impact Channel (which -I am guessing- is manly programming for manly men who are too manly for Spike,) has been putting some real gems on there lately that have had the Muse and I in stitches.
The thing I love is that most of these films have the same story; which normally revolves around living your dreams, sticking with your friends, and saving some struggling business. This, as you might imagine, is done through multiple "If We Work Together We Can Bring Goliath Down!" montages, and kinky jokes that were probably written by a group of 7th Graders.
Here are just a few that have been moving us to tears of joy lately:
Gas Pump Girls: The compelling story of a ditzy high school graduate and her bouncy friends who band together to save her scary uncle's struggling gas station from going under against the evil forces of a major oil company's newly-opened Pump n'Munch next door. High points include a motor cycle gang that at first wants to cause trouble but then joins forces with the girls to be their towing crew, a musical number by our heroine, and an aging celebrity cameo by the two dudes from "Car 54". This one is more like "Angels Revenge" than anything else you will ever see.
Malibu Bikini Shop: The compelling story of a college graduate and his slacker brother who band together to save the sea-side swim suit store left to them by their late aunt from being bought out by the evil forces of a holistic church. High points include an awesomely-80's "Flashdance"-type number performed by my wife's cousin (really, I'm being totally serious,) and an aging celebrity cameo by the guy who always said "YEEEEESSSSS!?" on "I Love Lucy".
Hot Dog - The Movie: The compelling story of a home-spun farm kid who splits town to help a freestyle skiing gang -lead by a post "American Werewolf" David Naughton- save the circuit from the evil forces of a German Olympian and his cronies. High points include a hairy truckers cheering on a wet T-shirt contest accompanied by 38 Special, a ski ballet competition that will make you cringe, and an almost-celebrity cameo by Gene Simmons' concubine. This is the kind of movie that Dean-O used to watch in Chris Day's basement, but not in a good way (at several points in the film, the wife and I both went "Eeeewwww!" in disgust.)
Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo: Turbo and Ozone are BACK in the compelling story of a gang of street dancers -who seem to incite spontaneous BREAKIN' everywhere they go- who band together to save the community center they hang at from the wrecking ball of an evil real estate tycoon. High points include a dance-off against the rival gang (which is lead by El Debarge and Rea Pearlman,) a musical number by a pre-pimp Ice-T, and "Special Needs" poppin' and lockin' by a kid in crutches. I'll have the "Boogaloo Shrimp" with a side of "Shabba-Do" please!
By the way, we watched "Weird Science" a couple of days ago as well. Now, I watched that movie at least once a day back in 8th Grade, but a recent viewing was not unlike seeing "V" again after a 15-year absence: puzzling. Were these movies this crappy when we first saw them and our adolescent minds just THOUGHT they were cool at the time, or have we become more refined with time? The world may never know.
1 comment:
Here's the honest truth: the stuff you and I liked as kids is never as good as we remember it. There are exceptions, surely, but by and large, it's a fact of life.
Oh sure, we may have felt our blood burn with patriotic zeal while watching G.I. Joe and The A-Team, but the reality is that the only people who still think those shows are awesome are people like Joel Calderon.
That's why it amuses me when people get mad at movie remakes of stuff they liked as kids. The common rant is that "[fill in the blank] raped my childhood memories!!" When the truth of the matter is that your childhood memories and mine were dumb to begin with.
In conclusion: there's what's right, and there's what's right, and never the twain shall meet.
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